So, I know it's water. And I know I should totally give up weighing in every day. Or even every week. Probably should put the scale away for the next 12 weeks. Which is what I planned to do. But really, this was going to be the last weigh in for 12 weeks, and I'm so frustrated right now! I want to express my anger by eating something so wrong. But I'm the only one who will suffer from that. I have no one to take this out on.
This feels like an EBT cycle...ok, here goes:
First, what am I angry about?
- I am angry that even when I make all the best food choices, I don't lose weight.
- I am angry that when I make a self-indulgent choice, even when it's within the parameters I set for myself (low-carb, healthy fat, lean protein, vegetables), I gain weight that I struggled so hard to lose.
- I am angry that an hour of exercise, five to seven days a week, is only enough for maintenance.
- I am angry that my body won't cooperate with me.
- I am angry that no matter how talented, smart, accomplished I can be, and no matter how good a friend I can be, or how funny and entertaining I can be, or how much self-confidence I can have, none of those things contribute to how I feel about myself as a fat person.
- I'm angry that I even care, because if I didn't, I be a lot less stressed! And it's not like I don't have other things over which I can be stressed!
- I feel angry with myself for not being able to eat less.
- That I'm about to turn 50 and I've missed out on being young and thin and beautiful
- I'm sad because I'm about to give this up, this longing to be young and thin and beautiful, and it feels like giving up on that as a goal means I wasted my whole youth on this idea and it was a worthless pursuit. I struggled over wanting this for myself. I wanted someone to appreciate my beauty, but I wanted it to be an effortless beauty because I wanted to be seen as so much more. And in the end, as I became so much more, I was dumped, or overlooked because I didn't look a certain way.
- That I will be marginalized as a middle aged woman.
- That in this stage in my life, starting over, going in a new direction is going to be a lot harder than I want it to be
- That everything I worked at and earned up to now isn't something I can use for my future
- I'm afraid I'll be caught up with the struggle to lose weight for the rest of my life, and I really don't want that to be what my life was about.
- I feel guilty that I'm still caught up with this issue. I wish I were further along in my growth.
- I feel guilty when I feel hungry. Why am I equating hunger with guilt?
- I feel guilty when I spend so much of my time worried about how much I weigh and what I'm doing about it when I have a new business to run, and children who need my attention.
- I feel guilty that I am so concerned with how others see me.
- I feel guilty that my life hasn't been as productive as I wanted it to be.
- I feel guilty that I didn't stand up for myself sooner
- I feel guilty that I didn't know better
- I feel so grateful that I know better now
- I feel grateful that I can do things to change my life for the better now
- I feel grateful that I am living so differently now
- I feel grateful that I am not plagued by an eating disorder, I am not compulsively overeating, that I am making really good health decisions and taking action to improve my health
- I am grateful for the improvements in my health that I'm already realizing.
- I feel grateful that I can accept that the numbers on the scale are not a grade on my efforts or the changes I've made over the last few years, and they don't tell me how I feel physically - much more vibrant and healthy!
- I'm still in charge of my life
- I'm still creative, strong, brave, smart, unforgettable, accomplished, sophisticated, interesting, a fun person, a good friend, a good mom, a good daughter, and I find value in personal growth.
- I will continue to care for myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
- I will continue to find joy in life, everyday
- Life will continue to be challenging and I will continue to have occasionally sucky days!
- I will be able to honor those sucky moments for what they are and know that I will move past that
- The bathroom scale doesn't define me, especially to myself!
- I can walk away from this computer, having left all my angst here, and go on to have a good day
1 comment:
I've read, and believe I have experienced, situations in which your actions have very delayed results. That is, you lose about a week after you eat less/exercise more and gain water immediately and actual fat later for eating more.
I didn't weigh myself for about 8 months, and then only at about 3 month intervals after that. Now, I weigh once a month. When I reach my goal, I will weigh once a week. I think daily weighing is destructive, especially when fluctuations throw a wrench into the works mentally. If you know you're doing the right thing, the results will come. You don't need the scale telling you that.
I think exercise is important for health, but contributes minimally to weight loss relative to the time and effort. The calories you burn are always overestimated by the equipment readings or by what you're told and aren't enough to make up for even small amounts of dietary alteration. I would look at exercise solely as a path to feeling good, strong, toned, and having a stronger heart. I wouldn't factor it into weight loss considerations at all. If you frame it that way, you won't be so disappointed by the lack of results.
The bottom line is that you can do everything "right" and make healthy choices, but in the end it's always going to come down to calories. Consistently eating between 1200-1600 calories is going to be the most efficient way to lose for most people. That is an oversimplification, yet it is also a truth. It was something I didn't "get" the first time I lost a lot of weight, and something I labored long and hard to achieve this time.
As always, I wish you luck and hope you recover from your frustrations soon.
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