Monday, January 25, 2010

Still don't feel like writing...but

I'm looking for inspiration, help for getting me out of my recent funk.  I'm slowly starting to crawl out of it.  Last week, certain legal matters were agreed upon that means the divorce will be final soon.  At first I was happy to have these things settled, but it didn't take long to drop back down to a truly low emotional state again.  More eating, until I got really uncomfortable for a few days.  Weight popped back up to 325 lbs.  And then I freaked out.  I am not letting this situation drag me back to where I was, at 353 lbs., and feeling physically wasted.

So, I'm climbing out of my funk, getting control over the diet and the overeating again.  This morning I weighed in at 318 lbs.  My knees feel better.  I started recording my food intake again.  I was over 3000 calories a day, I'm sure, for a few weeks there, but as of today, I'm back to 1800 calories.  Fiber came in at 33 gms.  Still struggling with fat intake, but I'm taking steps to drop that too.  Am replacing whole eggs with egg whites again.

All the overeating led to increased soy intake. Getting control of that again has helped me feel better. My hands were really achy for about two weeks, but now with the fresh elimination of soy, I'm not so creaky any more.

I'm looking for opportunities to make new friends. I went to a spiritual growth meet-up group last week.  It wasn't really what I was looking for. They were more concerned with promoting their spirituality as it pertained to channeling, angels, crystals, and other things of that sort. Not really what I was looking for.  I'm not interested in joining a bible study group or joining any religious group. I'm more interested in finding my authentic spiritual path. I think I may have to do that on my own.  I know I'm being led somewhere. I feel it in my gut. I just have to trust that I'll get to where I need to be and that I'll grow along the way. I'm trying out a philosophy discussion group next week. Hopefully they'll actually want to discuss philosophy and not compete. I know all the words to Monty Python's Philosopher Song! Not many would admit to that!

I'm turning 49 soon. Not sure how I'm feeling about that now. Very mixed emotions. I don't want to grow old and become irrelevant. My personality is too big for that. I saw a program on PBS about encore careers. That sounds very appealing, to be valuable for my life experience. I want to be healthy and strong in order to do that. I don't see retirement in my future. I want to see life!

Wow, look at how much I wrote! Not bad for not being in the mood.

I caught The Heavy on Dave Letterman last week. Such a cool band!

Monday, January 11, 2010

So sorry to have stepped out, but...

Hi friends.  I just realized today how long it had been since I posted.  Nearly a month.  So sorry about that.  I have hit an emotionally rough patch in life surrounding divorce issues, I'm still dealing with some unresolved matters, and I need to take a little more time to get my act together.  I hope to be back, fully participating in my forward progress, very soon.

Divorce is hard.  It's a demoralizing process.  If anyone says that getting a divorce is a cop out from marriage, perhaps it is for some, at the moment, but it certainly isn't an easy thing to get through.

Still, I will survive, and so will my sons.  Can't say we'll be better for it.  Would love to say we'll be stronger for it.  Doing the best we can for now.

I am struggling with overeating these days, an old behavior I've relied on to numb intense emotions.  I don't like doing it!  I gained a little weight over the holidays and am now working at getting rid of that.  Have already dropped a couple pounds.  This week I'm going vegan, temporarily, so I can gain some control over fat and protein consumption.  I want to feel lighter, from the inside out.

Did you catch the PBS series on emotions?  Good stuff!  I highly recommend it!