Thursday, August 27, 2009

Here come The Judge

Today is yet another day in a long line of days where I have gotten out of bed with really sore muscles and joints. I'm about to take more pain meds. I've been stretching, and while it feels good while I'm doing it, I'm not experiencing extended relief.

I've been looking at my past postings and I'm interpreting my musings like a lot of excuses today, excuses for not losing weight and not getting things done. This is The Judge that takes up a lot of room in my head. The Judge is telling me that if I push myself really hard I will lose weight and get everything done. The Judge is telling me to eat only vegetables and to drink even more water. The Judge is telling me to ignor how bad I feel all over. The Judge is telling me that I need to get a lot of stuff done, even when I'm so fatigued, because someone has to. If I put a body on The Judge, it looks an awful lot like my mother and The EX.

I need to yell at The Judge. How much do I need to get done to please you? To shut you up? Forever! The only way I know to combat The Judge is to really focus on what I really want in my life, support my own integrity, and make choices accordingly. I know who I am. I remember who I am. I feel crappy right now. I accomplish what I can right now, and my sons and I are doing as well as we want for the time being.

Admittedly I'm frustrated with my current health because it keeps me from doing everything I want to do. My to-do list is endless. Yesterday was a good day, I got six loads of laundry done, folded and put away. I loaded and ran the dishwasher and put the dishes away. I striped the beds and put on fresh sheets. I got my parents' trash cans out to the curb for them. I got the boys off to school and fed when they got home. We spent some quality time together last night after the homework was done. The bathrooms are clean. I had to nap twice to get that much done. I ate less than 2000 calories. I drank 12 glasses of water. I didn't exercise at all beyond running up and down the stairs with the laundry. I ached all day long.

What I wished I could have also done...exercise (35 minutes of stretching, 30 minutes of HIIT, weight training, core exercises), homework (write a paper, complete one Flash assignment), clean and organize the garage, breakdown all the cardboard boxes and take them to the recycling center, spend an hour exercising with the boys, figure out what sort of painting I want to paint to hang over the fireplace...

I think I need to go take my morning nap now.

(I just caught a whiff of air from the General Mills plant down the road...what a lovely aroma. My town smells like Cheerios! Who can complain about life when you can wake up to that toasty goodness every morning?)

1 comment:

screaming fatgirl said...

I lived for years with "the judge" (my family, random strangers, my school mates) and was incredibly damaged by it. I've been very lucky that my husband has been able to undo a lot of that damage and replace that voice with his supportive one. I know you don't have that good fortune, but the judge can be replaced by your own forgiving and understanding voice.

The bottom line is that those voices are sabotaging your mental and physical health, and they have no interest in your well-being. Judgment comes from people who elevate themselves at your expense and their mantra has become so meaningful that you've fully internalized it. You don't even need them to say it anymore because you're saying it to yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if we beat ourselves up because we think it'll motivate us to act, but the truth is that it just leaves us more bruised.

Thank you for linking to my blog, btw. I have returned the favor. :-)