I'm leaving for June Lake, CA in a little bit. I'm going on a retreat sponsored by The Solution Method, which I've studied in the past for learning how to rewire my brain to take wiser steps in life and not fall into old behaviors that have become my go-to stress reactions.
Like the one I'm experiencing now. Guilt, for leaving the boys alone for the weekend while I'm off learning new stuff and enjoying the mountain air, massages, meeting new people, finding quiet moments to myself just to think. And I'm on the cusp of canceling the whole thing, because the "mommy" in me is freaking out. All sorts of thoughts are crowding through my mind...what if something happens to me and they'll have to go live with their father and their lives will be disrupted all over again just when we were beginning to find our footing. What if something happens to them while I'm gone and I couldn't bear it if anything took my sons out of my life. See, that's the sort of thing that's been churning through my head for two days. The logical, rational being in me is being drowned out at the moment. And instead of packing, I'm screwing around on the computer, playing sudoku, answering emails...I should at the very least be folding the laundry.
I still have about an hour's worth of tasks to complete before I go. Screw the laundry. I'm making a big, sorted pile on my bed and the boys can take it from there.