Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm feeling MUCH better

Just got back from Pilates and I feel wonderful again. I was having a really tough time sleeping, and then woke up lethargic and achy. Monday, I decided to fast until 3:30 pm, then kept calories and carbs under control and quit eating at 9:30 pm. Took a supplement with valerian root and hops and finally fell asleep by 11 pm. Had a really good night's sleep, for the first time in over a week, and woke up refreshed and energized. (Although I had a disturbing dream about X, so I woke up very annoyed! Even when I'm sleeping, he thinks he can dictate how I live my life!)

Today I fasted until 3:30 pm again, then have been eating lots of veggies and a little lean protein. My oldest son and his girlfriend are making dinner for us right now, some sort of Indian curry. I turned her on to Indian food recently and now she can't get enough! I saved 600 calories for dinner. I love curry.

So, before I started eating today, I weighed myself. I had bloated back up to 307.5 lbs yesterday morning and I freaked myself out enough to get back on track. Back down to 302 today. Obviously a lot of bloating involved over the weekend to have dropped 5.5 lbs in a day-and-a-half. Am headed back in the right direction and confident that I'll break past 300 lbs by the end of the month.

What is the heck with the self-sabotage? I have bumped into 300 lbs so many times in the last 20 years, only to pop back up. I don't know what's bugging me about it this time. Sounds like it's time for a little emotional housecleaning about this.

I am angry that it took me so long to accept that eating less is the only way I can lose weight.
I am angry that I get hungry and remain hungry when I clearly don't want to eat any more.
I am angry that even I define myself in terms of 300 lbs.
I am angry that I believe everyone judges me first by what they see when they look at me.

I am angry that I hung on to weighing more than 300 lbs just to prove that I contributed to society and lived a full life despite what I weigh.

I am sad that so much of my identity is attached to my larger-than-life personae.
I am sad that there were people in my life who were so uncomfortable with who I am naturally.
I am sad that I felt pressured into toning myself down to make life easier for them.
I am sad that I ate so much to stuff the largeness of who I am.

I am still afraid to be me, fully.
I am afraid the real me is too much to handle.
I'm afraid that even I can't manage the real me.

I'm afraid I won't ever be able to fully develop into a whole adult woman.
I'm afraid of who that woman might be.

I regret holding back on my personal development

My unrealistic expectation is that losing weight will open up new opportunities for me for which I'm not emotionally prepared.

A realistic expectation of myself is that I can choose in which direction to move or not move my life, and I don't need the excess weight to make or rule out that choice for me.

I need to keep living life with eyes open to all possibilities.
I need to keep making healthy choices that support my goals of optimum wellness.
I need to trust in my ability to go in the direction I truly wish to go, and that I have the resources within myself to do just that.

Okay, so, there's absolutely no sane reason to hang on to weighing 300+ lbs any longer. None. I'm done with it. My gut is done with it. I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.

I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am done with weighing over 300 lbs.
I am soooooooooo done with weighing over 300 lbs.!

1 comment:

screaming fatgirl said...

"I am angry that I believe everyone judges me first by what they see when they look at me."

This is, unfortunately, the truth, but it applies to everyone no matter what their appearance or weight. And, even more sadly for us, if you are female and fat, the conclusion is that you have diminished value as a human being. If you are female, thin, and attractive, then you have enhanced value as a human being. This is reality and no matter how hard we want to be humanistic and accept all people as having equal value, we can't fight reality. This is why many woman are so pained by their appearance and desperate to lose weight.

I've learned not to be angry about these conclusions because I'm powerless to do anything about this. The only thing I can control is my responses to this behavior and my own tendency to conclude things about people based on appearances (and, yes, we all do it whether we want to or not).

I'd try to temper that anger with understanding that people are acting on their nature without reflection, much as children do, and that their inability to refrain from judging based on superficial considerations is something that shows their lack of personal growth and self-awareness. Many people never get beyond this, and that is a pity for them.