Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I smell biscuits!

I don't know why, but since yesterday, I've been smelling KFC biscuits wherever I go. It's odd for my hometown to smell like biscuits. Normally it smells of Cheerios or Lucky Charms (from the General Mills plant) or fermenting wine (in the late fall, after the grape harvest has been processed).

Sometimes, when I experience an unexpected weight loss, I start craving foods that are totally not OP. Like I'm scared of the fresh loss because it means something, somewhere in the back of my brain, and "Little Georgia" feels the need to sabotage "mature Georgia's" efforts.

I'm going to do a little emotional cycle here about this:

I am so freakin' scared to be thin!
I am so freakin' scared that when I'm thin, I'll lose the protection my big body gives me against the big, bad world around me.
I am so freakin' scared that I won't be strong enough to protect myself from "evil invaders" (men).
I'm scared that being thin means I will lose myself.
I'm scared that being thin means I have to pay more attention to my sexuality.

I'm scared to trust another man.
I'm scared to feel vulnerable.
I'm also scared to be alone.

I'm sad that I was not raised to have a healthy sense of self in every aspect of my life.

I'm also angry about that too!
I'm angry I was raised in a spirit of fear, paranoia, distrust and absolute ignorance!
I'm angry that I now take care of the person responsible for that!

I feel guilty that I didn't have all this figured out years ago.

Unrealistic Expectation...that I should have had all this figured out on my own, given the upbringing and resources I had at the time.

Realistic Expectation...that I will continue to figure all this stuff out as I move forward in life, and that it'll be all the more meaningful as I mature.

I expect myself to address these sabotaging moments to find the underlying issue that's causing them.

I expect myself to continue using my emotional cycle tools to work this stuff out and zap those ridiculous cravings.

I expect myself to stay on track with my nutrition and fitness plan. Because that's what I really, truely want to do.

My postive, powerful thought: I really want to lose the weight and feel healthy and genuinely strong!!!

The essential pain is that I will continue to bump into my fears about being thin.

The earned reward of this work is that not only will I achieve optimum health, but I'll have worked through all my emotional issues about intimacy, personal integrity and authenticity!

Wow! I feel so much better now! I feel grateful to have learned the process I just worked through to get here.

Grind in: I want to achieve optimum health and vitality way more than I want those KFC biscuits!

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