I smell biscuits!

I don't know why, but since yesterday, I've been smelling KFC biscuits wherever I go. It's odd for my hometown to smell like biscuits. Normally it smells of Cheerios or Lucky Charms (from the General Mills plant) or fermenting wine (in the late fall, after the grape harvest has been processed).

Sometimes, when I experience an unexpected weight loss, I start craving foods that are totally not OP. Like I'm scared of the fresh loss because it means something, somewhere in the back of my brain, and "Little Georgia" feels the need to sabotage "mature Georgia's" efforts.

I'm going to do a little emotional cycle here about this:

I am so freakin' scared to be thin!
I am so freakin' scared that when I'm thin, I'll lose the protection my big body gives me against the big, bad world around me.
I am so freakin' scared that I won't be strong enough to protect myself from "evil invaders" (men).
I'm scared that being thin means I will lose myself.
I'm scared that being thin means I have to pay more attention to my sexuality.

I'm scared to trust another man.
I'm scared to feel vulnerable.
I'm also scared to be alone.

I'm sad that I was not raised to have a healthy sense of self in every aspect of my life.

I'm also angry about that too!
I'm angry I was raised in a spirit of fear, paranoia, distrust and absolute ignorance!
I'm angry that I now take care of the person responsible for that!

I feel guilty that I didn't have all this figured out years ago.

Unrealistic Expectation...that I should have had all this figured out on my own, given the upbringing and resources I had at the time.

Realistic Expectation...that I will continue to figure all this stuff out as I move forward in life, and that it'll be all the more meaningful as I mature.

I expect myself to address these sabotaging moments to find the underlying issue that's causing them.

I expect myself to continue using my emotional cycle tools to work this stuff out and zap those ridiculous cravings.

I expect myself to stay on track with my nutrition and fitness plan. Because that's what I really, truely want to do.

My postive, powerful thought: I really want to lose the weight and feel healthy and genuinely strong!!!

The essential pain is that I will continue to bump into my fears about being thin.

The earned reward of this work is that not only will I achieve optimum health, but I'll have worked through all my emotional issues about intimacy, personal integrity and authenticity!

Wow! I feel so much better now! I feel grateful to have learned the process I just worked through to get here.

Grind in: I want to achieve optimum health and vitality way more than I want those KFC biscuits!

Back on track this Easter morning

Happy Easter to everyone so inclined. It's a cloudy, rainy Easter Sunday in Central California, but I see a break in the clouds coming up. We're headed to my sister's today. I'm bringing my opinions, aloof boys plus one vegetarian girlfriend, salmon fillets, spanakopita, galactoboureko and wine. My mom's bringing tiropita and judgement. My sister is providing lamb, salad, bread and the bedlam only her brood can bring. It should be fun!

(I am going to let you Google all the Greek dishes...)

I'm happy to report that the Intermittent Fasting and I are getting along just fine. I just weighed in at 309 lbs. And my caloric counting hasn't been too consistent. My range over the last week has been anywhere from 1400 to 2100 calories. But I'm strictly keeping the eating between noon and 8 p.m. I'm going to be able to enjoy Easter dinner. But I think I'm going to skip the wine. Maybe. Depends how much judgement my mom packed in her purse.

I've taken to walking everywhere this week. To the store, to Pilates, to get my nails done. I'm so happy I'm living where I am, very centrally located between downtown and shopping. I never want to move from here!

So, got to go make the syrup for the galactoboureko. I'm going to allow myself a single piece, maybe half a piece. Depends on how good it tastes! I don't think high holy day calories count. Right?

The new routine

(I'm still tweaking the plan.)

Over the weekend I tried something new. It's called Intermittent Fasting. I know, I know...everybody's been talking about eating five to six times a day...yada, yada. I just don't do well like that! I'm in the kitchen too much. I have to stop what I'm doing to go find something to eat. And it means there are five-six opportunities for me to overeat.

So, there are a couple methods for IF, but I'll only explain the one I'm doing. And I won't explain the science, other than it's supposed to somehow help blood sugar levels be better regulated. And that's important to me. I'm choosing to do this because on days when I have been too busy to eat during the day and only ate after three, I didn't eat so much, I had a lot of energy during the day, and I lost weight.

IF a la Georgia, goes something like this: I don't eat anything until after 12 p.m. I stop eating by 8 p.m. My first meal is around 20% of total calories, and more protein. The second meal is around 50% of total calories with balanced nutrients, and the third meal is around 30% of total calories with extra carbs from more fibrous sources.

I'm going to try this for a week. First two days went well. I could tolerate not eating till noon. I had a cup of coffee with cream, under 50 calories. Didn't really get blood sugar up with that. Didn't struggle much with eating after 8 p.m. either. Kept to my calorie allotment as well.

I don't know the science behind why this works for some people. At this point, I don't care! I'm tired of doing research. I just want to eat a healthy diet and exercise because it makes me feel good. And I don't want my weight loss to be the all-encompassing focus of my life any more. I want to actually have a balanced life!

As for exercise...I haven't been to Pilates for a week! I don't like that, but I'm finally feeling free from the soy-intolerance for the first time in over a week and I'm feeling pretty good. I think I really want to concentrate on cardio today. I'll get back to Pilates, soon. I just need to get out and walk on my own for a bit.

M W F - A.M. power walking, P.M. weights
T Th - A.M. HIIT, P.M. Pilates
S Su - Fun activities, gentle walks

My youngest and his friend have the week off from school, so today, we're going bowling!

Reset button pushed, heiney kicked...that's enough with the pity party!

The last time I was in a soy funk, what got me out of it was just fasting for a day or two, and avoiding breakfast this morning already has me feeling better. Sticking with hot beverages and water today. And moving my body.

(I gave up on myself yesterday evening and definitely overate - by 1000 calories! Showed a gain of five pounds again this morning...318. Damn it! I will NOT be popping up over 320 again! I am so angry that I popped over 315 again! That was my new high limit, and I will be back under it again by Monday morning!!!)

I have a lot to do today. My bedroom imploded on me over the last few weeks while I had bronchitis, actually, since my dad passed in February. It's time to get that under control. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, because it's also my office. I wish I could change that. I have a gorgeous teak computer armoire in storage that I want to have refinished and moved to my living room. That's where I'll be moving the office to later this year. But in the meantime, papers need to be filed, books put back in their place, and boxes of stuff moved out to garage storage. I'm going to stay busy today!

Last night I was led to an article on the NY Times about the dangers of sitting at a desk too long. I'm rethinking my work schedule as a result of reading the article. I'm setting a timer for myself, so I don't sit still for too long. Gotta get the kids moving too!

So that's enough time on the computer today!

When I haven't been here for a few days, you know I'm struggling

A week ago, I was in such a good mood, positive, hopeful, full of myself. 24-hours later, I was kicking myself for making a poor choice, and I've been struggling with it all week.

We went to San Jose for an overnight trip. We spent the night at a hotel with a restaurant. (I like room service coffee in the mornings.) I had made plans to eat right, and at dinner I had a simple salad and was happy with that. For breakfast, we went down for the buffet. Pastries, cereal, breakfast meats, Denver scramble and potatoes...not what I was hoping for. I really only wanted an egg white scramble with spinach and some coffee. Should have ordered the room service breakfast and gotten exactly what I wanted...

Something in the choices I made for breakfast (the Denver scramble, bacon and andouille sausage) must have had some serious soy in it. I'm thinking it was the sausage, because those can have soy fillers. I should have known better...I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!! Inside of 20 minutes, lethargy swept over me, a huge headache and I felt like I was suddenly an arthritic old woman. Somehow I managed to get the kids to the museum and we walked around all day. I drank a lot of water the rest of the day. I struggled to stay awake on the drive home and I fed myself pumpkin seeds for a little energy all the way home. By the next morning, I had gained five pounds. I have been suffering from lethargy and achiness all week.

This morning, I'm still quite lethargic. I woke up feeling fine, but once I ate breakfast, I felt the lethargic slump set in again. I bought a brand of "cage-free" eggs that I hadn't tried before, since the ones I usually eat weren't available. I think those chickens must have been given feed with soy.

Have only been able to drop two of the five pounds this week. Haven't exercised much all week. Haven't eaten much all week, but I was back on track with nutrients and supplements. Hoping I'll be back in the swing over the weekend.

I'm dressed for Pilates already...it starts in 35 minutes. I really just want to go back to bed, but I'm hoping that once I get to class and get moving, I'll start feeling better. Last time I went to class was Monday. The stretching was beneficial while I was doing it. I don't know...I'm just not feeling it this morning...maybe this afternoon I'll go out for a walk.

Am I on a roll?

The scale and I are friends again. Weighed in at 310 lbs this morning. Yippeeeee!

I think Fridays are good weigh-in days for posting weight progression. It's before the weekend, so I'll be encouraged to stay on track all weekend. I think that it's good to stay on track and not have "cheat meals" or "cheat days" at this time. I don't feel the need to be self-indulgent at this time. Or rather, my self-indulgence now includes healthier indulgences rather than poor ones. I'll still weigh in during the week, just to see how my efforts during the week are paying off. I soooooooooo want to crack the 300s this month! I really want it!!!! I think I may just be able to achieve it!

Took my smart-ass to Pilates this morning. Fridays is our break down class, where a few specific exercises are broken down until we get it right. I believe my abs and my smart-ass are going to be aching all weekend!

I'm cutting calories a bit more, but only just a bit, because I can! I'm still keeping caloric intake above 1400, and I'm cycling the caloric cut through the week. Not doing it every day. Lori said it best in class today: Eat like a king at breakfast and like a pauper at dinner.

This week's nutrition challenge involves eating three balanced meals and one to two snacks, plus not eating anything after dinner. That last part is going to be so tough! I caved and had a coconut macaroon last night. A single one, small, but still, I didn't earn a star on the chart because of it. We'll see how the weekend goes. The challenge will be to not overeat as well as make the right choices.

We're going on an overnight trip to San Jose and visiting the Tech Museum. I should pack some appropriate foods for the trip, as well as plan for meals out. We'll eat dinner out, breakfast at the hotel and lunch across the street from the museum. So I should pack the healthy snacks and beverages I'll need for in between. The hotel restaurant does an omelet bar on the weekends, so I can ask for my egg white veggie omelet and even have a little cheese with it. Maybe I'll pack along a slice of my bread to be toasted. Across the street from the museum is a burger joint that does turkey burgers wrapped in lettuce, plus salads. If I eat a good lunch before we leave the house, then I can keep dinner small at any restaurant we go to, with just salad and perhaps a grilled salmon portion. No alcohol, shakes, sodas.

We're bringing the dog, so I'll have to take her out for walks a few times. I'm going to bring my laptop and the beginning Pilates DVD, or maybe I'll use the hotel gym.

I'm feeling on top of this now!!!!!

Waiting to get hungry

Today I woke up with renewed commitment to my efforts. I realized, after doing some simple math, that I've already dropped 10% of my weight and I'm finally on to the next 10% goal. There's a fresh pile of clothes I need to be rid of and I'm looking over some websites for new smaller ensembles. I'm finally at a size where I can actually be as picky about what I want to wear as who I want to date!

This morning, still suffering from lingering bronchitis that got me down over the weekend, I skipped Pilates. I don't like that. But chest is still stinging when I breathe deeply and my ribs and head hurt when I cough. I just need to rest. I ate heartily this morning, though. Breakfast was a whole bundle of pencil-thin asparagus, cooked till crisp-tender and then included in a single egg + 4 egg white omelet with a little French chevre (soft goat cheese) and a slice of the Julian Bakery sourdough bread, toasted. Yummy. Cooked it all with a little olive oil. A total of 378 calories. And that's all I've eaten today. That's all I wanted. I drank water, took nutritional supplements, but no other food.

I really want to wait until I feel hungry. I was angry with my mother a couple hours ago, but I didn't want to go into the kitchen and deal with the emotions through eating. I deserve to eat when I'm genuinely hungry. I also deserve to deal with the emotional situation with authenticity. I need to show myself some compassion. I need to accept that I can't make up for her state of mind and I am not responsible to make things right for her with other people. My actions must spring from my own sincerity.

That applies to eating as well. I am free to eat when I am sincerely hungry. And I will make a wise choice, at that time, that supports my efforts and wellness goals.

Penne with roasted veggies, from Giada

This doesn't make my cravings go away, however. Dammit! Do I have power over my cravings? I don't know. I'm craving pasta, a nice buttery bowl of pasta with vodka sauce, oven-roasted veggies and cheese. There's actually some in the freezer right now. I was saving it in case my son's girl friend was over and got hungry. She's vegetarian. It's almost five right now...dinner's not till seven...maybe I am a little hungry right now...

Old habits...no, I'm going to wait until I'm genuinely hungry!