Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Apprehensions about feeling hungry...

I'm experiencing a lot of apprehension about eating today, or rather, about getting hungry. I'm frustrated, to say the least, with the continued lack of weight loss. Well, it's not that I'm not losing weight, it's that it takes so much effort on my part to work another pound off. Today, back up to 318lb. So, I'm glad that I'm finally keeping my weight under 320, but it takes months to drop down a few more pounds the healthy, balanced way.

When I first began this effort towards wellness, the weight came off so easily. From experience I knew it would get harder. But I didn't think it would stall so completely!

I'm so angry that I can't break past 300 lbs! It's really doing a number on my self-esteem. Old feelings of inadequacy have been crowding in. I'm so frustrated! I'm really scared I'm going to lose my resolve. Yesterday evening I caved, after a day of dealing with all sorts of issues with my mother. For the first time in a long time, I got a McDonald's double cheeseburger mini meal with a small Coke and fries. The fries coated my tongue and felt awful, and then the Coke stripped the fat coating off my tongue! I didn't go over on calories for the day, but I sure didn't earn anything on the sugar challenge and I felt pretty low about the decision later on. I didn't gain or lose weight...I just lost focus and I disappointed myself.

Decided to play hookie from Pilates tonight. Just not feeling it tonight. Not sure what I'm feeling...except that I really needed a change of scenery. I went to Sheri's Sonshine Nutrition to pick up some digestive enzymes, hoping it might boost my pancreatic health. Accidentally fell into the new cheese shop across the street...no, I did not partake. Of cheese. There were some local olive oils to sample, so...I'm going back later to drop off some cookbooks for their 'lending library' and to pick up some of the Coldani. And to buy the sheep milk yogurt! Getting out of the house and talking to new people lifted my mood. I think I'm up for some time on treadmill and weights tonight.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to be hungry. If I never had to be around food again, I think I'd be happy with that! I know that's not a healthy trail to head down, and I really know I won't be going there, but I don't eat anything like those people who ended up on Heavy or Biggest Loser! I'm surrounded by slim people who work out a few times a week and still eat cookies and ice cream, ribs and beer, etc. I'm not in the middle of a pity party here...I'm just desperate for a drop in girth! I want my belly to shrink so I can do a proper roll up! I want my ass to melt so I can work a proper back plank! I want my energy levels to ramp up so I can get to everything I want to get done in a day!

That's what my wish lists look like...okay, time to snap out of this funk and get back to work.

No comments: