Every once in awhile, life really screws you over. Sometimes it happens in one single event. Other times, it's just a gradual chipping away at your soul, of which you're not even aware, until suddenly you find yourself feeling empty, depleated. There's no way to get around these events. They do knock you flat on your ass and even drag you through the mud.
Do you give up, give in to old behaviors for managing the situation, or do you forge on through and look at it as an opportunity for growth? Or do you do the best you can to block it out completely and ignor it, pretending its not even happening? For me, it seems to be all three, in rapid succession, as the moment calls for.
I'm going to be vague regarding my circumstance. It's not for me to share it with the world. But I will address what it is that I'm doing to manage myself and my emotions.
First, I decided to clean out my kitchen of illicit foods that could pose a problem. I did so, one at a time. And they all tasted really, REALLY good! Especially the baked potatoes with extra butter and sour cream. And all the dark chocolate, you know, all the leftover Christmas chocolate. I throughly enjoyed the whole-grain pasta, but with lots of cheese. And a whole loaf of sourdough bread with butter. There were other foods as well. I didn't do this all in one day. It took me two weeks to get rid of all the really bad stuff. Then I moved on to the healthier choices, but even healthy foods are capable of being overly consumed. I actually stuffed myself on celery one day. I know...
After that, I decided to check out for a bit. I slept a lot. That was good, because I wasn't eating while I was sleeping. I slept and I cried. And I watched Craig Ferguson, every night. I'm in love with Craig Ferguson. He makes me laugh, I mean really giggle. And that Stephen Colbert really does it for me as well. I also watched a lot of DVDs. Five seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and two of Angel. Killing bad demons seemed most appealing at the time. You know, they had really good writers on those shows. I wish I could write for a hip, witty TV show some day. My show would be about someone getting a good ass-kicking. And it would be fun to watch!
Three days ago I joined the South Beach Diet website. I needed to get back to some order with regards to the food choices. And I was hoping that a couple of weeks on Phase 1 could undo some of my damages. Today I'm starting to feel on top of my erratic eating again.
I think I snapped out of my funk this morning. I know this because I brushed my teeth first thing in the morning, and I put on a bra. I started doing the laundry, and I exercised. I cried a little, got mad again, talked with a girlfriend and had a great laugh, wrote some emails to people I needed to keep in my life. Watched more Buffy and Angel, set aside the emergency stash of chocolate (the kind shaped like little bottles with liquor inside them). And I'm here, back on my blog, being accountable for my actions.
I'm not going to weigh myself for another week. I don't care to see the damages done from my month of misery. I want to recuperate some before facing the results of my stress-management choices. No one drove me to make those choices, and I don't think they were bad or good choices. I'm still here, I'm still moving forward...I had to do what I needed to do to survive and get back on track.
Sometimes, in fact, always, getting through difficult situations is best handled with eyes open and your soul bearing the pain. Yes, it'll hurt, like hell. And you'll be scared. And you won't be the same afterward. But you'll find you still have the capacity for love, and if you really pay attention, you will witness a divine transformation in yourself, the gradual replenishment of your soul, stronger and more prepared for the next time life and circumstance come at you for another slaying.
See, Buffy and Angel are great shows!
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