Earlier this week I stepped on the scale to happily discover I've lost a total of 20 lbs. since January 13, 2008. That's nearly 3 lbs. a week. What a great start! And yet...a moment of disappointment settled briefly upon my heart. I wanted to be down by another 10 lbs. No...more! I impatiently wanted to break through a barrier, to get past a certain number on that scale, one which will mean so much to me. I leaned on the bathroom counter a bit, just to see what it would feel like to see the scale register below that number. Surprisingly, that's when I started to panic!
I haven't weighed less than 300 lbs. for nearly 17 years. Gosh! I just did the math. I've weighed over 300 lbs for nearly 17 years! I weighed 270 lbs. when I got pregnant with my oldest son, I then gained weight during my pregnancy, and I have never been able to get it off. I've come close to 300 lbs. on a few occasions, just a couple of pounds away from it, but never was able to cross that threshold. I find myself just 22 lbs. away from it now, and being this close to it seems to mean something substantial. And I'm not at all sure what it is.
Perhaps I'm uncomfortable with crossing that threshold because I know that this time, if I don't get over myself and work through this issue, that I'm screwed! Because I now know that I can achieve this goal. I have the power to do so.
Perhaps I've relied on my self-identity as a large woman for far too long. My dimensions sustained me where my character and resolve failed me. I'm big, but I'm not really that strong. Unchecked, my personality was larger than life. My physical size gave me balance and proportion.
So, would I allow yet another set of emotional obstacles impede my progress? Oh, God! I hope not! I need to get my head, and heart, back in the game.
I went to an online support group I belong to, Burn the Fat Inner Circle (hosted by Tom Venuto - a body builder), for some encouragement from others who deal with their own issues towards achieving their fitness goals. I was directed to something Tom wrote about how our minds work and what motivates us to achieve success. He said, "To make changes and make them stick, it's important to identify what motivates us (our reasons why), and what our beliefs and values are and bring them into conscious awareness." He continued with, "...goals are not enough and even goals + desire are not enough. They are important, but they are only the starting point. If they are fueled by willpower alone, you will be fighting against addiction and temptation. When they are accepted subconsciously, and backed by emotion and 'reasons why' they become habit and are carried out automatically."
I see the need to do some excavation of my motivation, to dig out what my belief system is about myself, and do some restoration, and some rennovation, in order to get my head and heart in alignment with my goals. I may find that I need to reevaluate my goals as well.
Ain't mid-life grand!