Gosh darn it! I forgot that Aunt Flo is coming for a visit soon! She always seems to be my undoing. I seem to go backwards in my progress during that week, but I am determined to take that bitch down this time!
(Pardon my language...hmmmm, I seem to have been cursing all day. Another function of Aunt Flo? And I am giving you fair warning, I can speak rather frankly about all sorts of subjects, so if you get offended by indelicate topics, it's time to move along. I'm just saying...)
I have been so careful with my eating this past week. I'm having to document my food intake for a new wellness coach I hired (Hi, Beth!). But despite my tight management of the diet, I gained weight since yesterday morning. Now, I know this is water retention, so I'm not fussing over the four pounds. But the cravings that are popping up, I'm worried about those. I've never been one to manage cravings well, especially when they're paired with emotions. Early this morning, I was feeling very edgy, after not being able to sleep, and I really wanted a big plate of my late Aunt Georgia's penne with burnt butter and parmesan. And a T-bone steak. (That was her signature dish when we went to her house for a visit on Sundays.) Now, I haven't eaten this in many, many, many years. And I haven't craved it in about as long. And yet, there it was early this morning, about 3 a.m.
Thank God I was cold and lazy! I didn't feel like going downstairs to cook at that hour. I did, instead, go down for a glass of water and a cube of feta cheese. Mmmm, instant Greek love! After that, I went back upstairs and decided to clean out my closet and dresser of clothes that no longer fit or are stained and I'm tired of wearing them. Three tall kitchen garbage bags later and now there's tons of room for the new things I bought recently. And like an anal Imelda Marcos, I lined up all my new cute shoes and handbags on top of my dresser. As soon as I get my new flash for my new camera, I'm taking pictures and posting them all so you can see! I also dusted and cleaned all the furniture, tossed out the trash, and organized my toiletries in the bathroom. Just another Manic Monday!
So, during the two hours I was cleaning, I paused to shoot an email to Beth-the-Coach asking what to do about premenstrual edginess and cravings. Later in the morning, she responded with advice which included the idea that I needed to look deeper into what emotions might be triggering the cravings.
I have put some thought into this throughout the morning, and I really think I need sex! OMG!!! No wonder ALL the men in my little town were looking so good lately! (And only retired people and rednecks live here!) I also need some real companionship. Chatting online is great, as is talking to people on the phone, but I really don't know a lot of people where I am at the moment, and I've been experiencing some loneliness. The day that one of my Green Mountain friends (Hi Chris!) came to visit was so wonderful. When I spent a week with my dearest friend Molly last month in L.A., we had absolutely the best time together. When I spent a weekend with my son Quinn at boarding school, what a mother-son love fest (in a very healthy way). I need more of that!
As writer and web designer, I have tended to keep to myself in the past. As a member of a very small expatriate community (I live overseas), where everything that occurs or is said becomes food for gossip, I have managed the invasive nature of the situation by keeping to myself as much as possible. (I have not shared my blog with anyone there...OMG!!! What a mistake that would be!) I don't share a lot of my life with my mother, who seems to need to make negative comments on every aspect of my life I share with her. So, my habit is to protect my privacy as it applies to actual, live human beings. When I spent time at Green Mountain, the real, playful, diva in me came out more. And even then, that was managed.
My husband is afraid of the real me. But he's a straight, white, middle-aged mechanical engineer. He's afraid of all strong women.
I am myself most fully when I'm with my sons or my friend Molly and her son, and a very few choice friends in my expatriate community. And being myself seems to be really important to me while making choices with friendships. Living at my vacation home for brief periods of time doesn't make for building local relationships that feel safe to me. I guess I have difficulty making and maintaining friendships on a lighter level. And I'm seriously uncomfortable with having to maintain small-talk. So I guess I need to find a way to interact with people so that I gain some value, some emotional nurturing and companionship, in a safe manner.
Now, I love going down to the quilt shop and the kitchen shop and chatting up the ladies there about shared passions, textiles and cooking. And everyone at Safeway is so nice. I actually find myself talking to other customers as I'm walking around. I even help people find stuff, read ingredients when they haven't got their glasses, reach for stuff from the top shelves for them, and entertain babies while moms empty carts. And I love flirting with men at the supermarket. I become this big, gushy, giggling girl! One day I got a 78-year-old man telling me how difficult it was to be the sex symbol in his retirement community. He was priceless!
Maybe I should go down to the hardware store to flirt with handymen named Earl in khaki uniforms. And Indian men always like me, so I could go get some gas for my car at the independant gas station downtown. I'll go inside the station and buy a bottle of water and slowly peel a Slim Jim in front of the little man behind the cash register.
Perhaps I should find a local service organization I can join on an infrequent basis so I can do something for the community and get to know people. I think that maybe the key is to find a wide variety of friends based on common interests. And just like working out, I'm going to have to make myself do this on a regular basis.
Three days until my husband and my other son, Rhyan, arrive. I hope I can manage Aunt Flo enough so I can break past 320 lbs. That's still my goal for Thursday morning. I will not be denied!!!