So Lori the Wonder Coach had me looking in the mirror everyday, telling myself how marvelous I really am. I was not convinced it was going to work. I mean, damn, I got self-confidence in spades! But having a positive body image...completely different story!
It's a struggle to look at myself in the mirror (even with clothes on) and not see the Michelin Man staring back at me. So many have invested so much time and money to help me wear the negative body-image and it's really tough to divest myself of it. And in moments of emotional lows, the ugly attitude creeps in and reclaims real estate I thought I had taken back.
I think it's the value of my beauty that's in question for me. Quite simply, I wasn't raised to value it. I was told that if I was a good Christian woman and did everything perfectly, then I would be loved and someone would see that as the beauty in me. In the face of achievements galore, I was never perfect in the right combination and I still got dumped. I really do understand all that wasn't really about me at all, but it still stings, deeply. I continue to struggle with connecting to my beauty because I don't want to be wanted simply because of my appearance. It's not what I value about myself. But I think what I have to do is accept my beauty as a part of the whole picture, an integral piece of who I am.
I do long to be loved and adored. Someday. Not quite prepared for that level of attention. Who says that all my beauty is useful for is to attract and have power over others? Maybe I need to redefine the use of my beauty. Perhaps my beauty is entirely for me, a way to communicate how good I feel about myself.
Helena Rubenstein said there were no ugly women, only lazy ones. I think I need to write that in MAC Pink Poodle lipstick on my bathroom mirror.
So, I continue to look in the mirror everyday and find something about myself that's beautiful. I have a really lovely, kissable mouth, even at 49. I won't ever be needing injections in my lips! I have been told I have a nice, generous laugh. I love my hair, even when it's unruly. I have a great cut and just got it colored. It looks pretty damn good!
So all that's about everything above the neck. Easy to do. When I venture south from there, hmmmm, not so easy. I...have a soft body that's very hugable...and while my ass is large and in charge, I think it's quite nice and round and not at all sagging! And with the Pilates, I'm doing my best to keep my glutes and hamstrings smiling back there.
I have to add that I can't say enough wonderful stuff about Pilates. It is the first exercise that makes me feel beautiful, whole, strong and happy. Pilates is a spiritual experience for me, and I hate to miss a class! I went three times last week and I'm thinking by the end of the summer, I'll be attending five days a week. I love how I feel after class. I am addicted! If I didn't like finding so much pleasure in it, I wouldn't be going back so often. That sounds like body-image progress to me!