Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The woman in the mirror

I've lost another five pounds since coming home to Kazakhstan. I think it helped that I had bronchitis for a week and didn't feel like eating! I drank a lot of green tea with lemon, along with extra water, and the tea habit seems to be something I enjoy now, so I'm staying with it.

In my bedroom, there's an oval, standing mirror. It's positioned so that when I wake up and sit up in bed, the first thing I see is a vision of myself. I didn't put it there on purpose, and I'm seriously thinking about moving it.

Mirrors remind me how big I am. They tell me that no matter how much I can dead lift, no matter how many miles I've walked, no matter how many pounds of fat I've lost, I'm still a big, fleshy, jiggly woman of middle age. And when I look in the mirror, I don't believe I see the real me.

Every once in a while, my younger son wants me to flex and feel my biceps and triceps. They're actually getting quite hard. But the muscles are way deep in there, under the fat and loose flesh. My son is impressed with my muscles. My husband is not.

I found a website on developing a positive body image at any size. http://www.bodypositive.com/ I haven't read what they have to say yet. That's my assignment for today. I hope it helps, because what I'm working towards is matching up how I feel about myself on the inside with what I see on the outside. On the inside, I feel like Zena, Warrior Princess! I want to kick ass, with style! On the outside, I feel like an amorphous lump. With hair. I do have nice hair.

Not trying to sound self-deprecating here, just trying to problem solve. It's my method. Address the issue, research, discuss and apply findings. I'll let you know what I learn.

In the meantime, today I'm going back to the gym, after a week off due to illness. Five minutes of warm-up on the treadmill, some stretching, upper body weight training, core exercises, and 45 minutes on the track. I'm dressed...let's go!

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