Oh jeez! Another two months have flown past...

I know I haven't been keeping up my end of this blog, but I have remained faithful to my commitment to improving my health. I have good news to report!

1. I am off blood pressure medication - I was on the lisinopril throughout the time of the divorce drama. The drama isn't quite over, but I'm happy to say that I am handling it all much better, and my bp is now within normal range. I discovered this because the coughing side effect of lisinopril was escalating. It forced me to stop it altogether. And so after I went off it, I tracked my bp, for three weeks now. I'm well under 140/80. In fact, I'm usually under 130/75.
2. Just two weeks ago I went off the diruetic. I was afraid to do that because I didn't want to gain weight back. but I talked to my doctor and we both decided it was okay to do so. Inside a week, I gained back 12 lbs.! But in the last few days, I've lost half that. My ankles don't feel swollen at all today.
3. I have been doing Pilates for six weeks now. That's been an interesting ride! Pilates and I have a love/hate relationship. My class is at 5 pm, twice a week. A beginning level class. Great instructor, Leigh, who is perky and supportive and lets me verbally bash her while she makes me do things my body isn't convinced it can do. But three weeks into the workouts I could finally feel air under my ass when I performed a bridge. Before, my ass was only puddling on the mat. And just last week, I was able to perform side planks from the knees and elbow position as well as prone planks from the knees and hand/wrist position! Can't do a roll up yet. When that happens, I will be shouting that from the rooftops!
4. I'm happy to report that my wrist, the one injured in the car accident, is full operational and functional. We can thank time and Pilates for that.

I'm still struggling with a lack of weight loss, but I'm not letting that get me down. If you recall, I had reduced my calories to 1750, then gone Weight Watchers, then WW vegetarian-style. I stalled on all three methods at around 318 lbs. I was very frustrated. There were days when I'd eat as little as 1300 calories and I didn't lose weight. When I started going to Pilates, the owner of the studio agreed to become my fitness coach. She switched me to a low carb diet, making sure I ate less than 45 gm of carbs per meal. I was given the parameters of 3 to 5 servings of low-fat protein per meal and 4 to 5 servings of vegetables per meal. I didn't have to restrict healthy fats. I initially lost 4 lbs., but then stalled again. Then I did some reading and found that people on blood pressure medications had stalled on their weight loss while on very restrictive Atkins-style plans. So combined with the coughing sideeffect, it was easy to make the decision to go off the meds. It wasn't easy to watch the scale go up so dramatically after going off the diuretic, but it was to be expected. Seeing the weight go back down now that the drugs are out of my system feels good.

My new trainer has me on the following exercise routine:

• 30 minutes aerobic activity three days a week (fast walking or rowing machine)
• 1 hour of Pilates, 2 days a week

I really want to add weight training to the mix, soon. We'll talk about that in the near future. But I have to say, as difficult as it is for me to get myself to go to Pilates at 5 p.m. (I seem to be exceptionally sleepy at that time of day) I absolutely love how I feel 30 minutes into it, and I feel great for hours later, until bed. And then I sleep soundly. It wasn't like that for the first week. I even cried in class because I experienced strong emotions while doing the exercises, and I didn't know how this Pilates thing was going to help me at all. But by week 3, I was a fan!

In my training sessions with Lori, my trainer, we're discussing self-image vs. body image. I'll talk more about that next time. My head is so screwed up!

"I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!"

Sheepishly dragging myself back to the blog this morning. It's been quite a month (closer to two!) since last we spoke. Divorce is final, and I spent the weekend in weepy self-pity, with my head in the fridge or curled up in my bed. Then I started getting my name changed back to my maiden name on accounts and started feeling much better. Since then, I've not looked back. It's full forward mode from here!

Then I had to start my youngest son at home school. Wow, that sure takes up a lot of my time every day! Had to hire a housekeeper to come in twice a month, and somehow we try to stay on top of tidying the house and doing laundry and dishes and cooking the rest of the time. Plus still caring for my parents' urgent needs of the moment ("Can you come now to watch me throw up and have pity on me?")

And then I was in a car accident two weeks ago. Car was rear-ended at a stop light. Car is all fixed now. (I love Geico! A completely painless process.) But my left arm is in a brace. I rammed my arm into the steering wheel on impact. Nothing broken, but definitely have tendonitis. I didn't feel it for a couple of days, so I went back to the rowing machine, but that only exacerbated the problem and I've had a brace on ever since. Doctor says three to six weeks of rest for the left arm. No rowing, or weights.

And finally, I've been sick for the last week. Heavy coughing from an upper respiratory infection. My ribcage aches, my head hurts, and now I have to use incontinence pads. And that last one is the most humiliating for me.

I went to my new doctor the day after the car accident and got a physical. She really wants to put me on Metformin. With a complete lack of weight loss, even while cutting calories and exercising, she's thinking my type 2 diabetes is getting a firmer hold on me. Stress has a big effect on insulin resistance, and the last two years haven't helped me with that at all. Going in for new blood tests on Monday to see what my A1c is now.

That was the winter of my discontent. The sun is finally out today, and the forecast is for clear, sunny skies for the next ten days. Time to put my shoulder to the stone again.

Still don't feel like writing...but

I'm looking for inspiration, help for getting me out of my recent funk.  I'm slowly starting to crawl out of it.  Last week, certain legal matters were agreed upon that means the divorce will be final soon.  At first I was happy to have these things settled, but it didn't take long to drop back down to a truly low emotional state again.  More eating, until I got really uncomfortable for a few days.  Weight popped back up to 325 lbs.  And then I freaked out.  I am not letting this situation drag me back to where I was, at 353 lbs., and feeling physically wasted.

So, I'm climbing out of my funk, getting control over the diet and the overeating again.  This morning I weighed in at 318 lbs.  My knees feel better.  I started recording my food intake again.  I was over 3000 calories a day, I'm sure, for a few weeks there, but as of today, I'm back to 1800 calories.  Fiber came in at 33 gms.  Still struggling with fat intake, but I'm taking steps to drop that too.  Am replacing whole eggs with egg whites again.

All the overeating led to increased soy intake. Getting control of that again has helped me feel better. My hands were really achy for about two weeks, but now with the fresh elimination of soy, I'm not so creaky any more.

I'm looking for opportunities to make new friends. I went to a spiritual growth meet-up group last week.  It wasn't really what I was looking for. They were more concerned with promoting their spirituality as it pertained to channeling, angels, crystals, and other things of that sort. Not really what I was looking for.  I'm not interested in joining a bible study group or joining any religious group. I'm more interested in finding my authentic spiritual path. I think I may have to do that on my own.  I know I'm being led somewhere. I feel it in my gut. I just have to trust that I'll get to where I need to be and that I'll grow along the way. I'm trying out a philosophy discussion group next week. Hopefully they'll actually want to discuss philosophy and not compete. I know all the words to Monty Python's Philosopher Song! Not many would admit to that!

I'm turning 49 soon. Not sure how I'm feeling about that now. Very mixed emotions. I don't want to grow old and become irrelevant. My personality is too big for that. I saw a program on PBS about encore careers. That sounds very appealing, to be valuable for my life experience. I want to be healthy and strong in order to do that. I don't see retirement in my future. I want to see life!

Wow, look at how much I wrote! Not bad for not being in the mood.

I caught The Heavy on Dave Letterman last week. Such a cool band!

So sorry to have stepped out, but...

Hi friends.  I just realized today how long it had been since I posted.  Nearly a month.  So sorry about that.  I have hit an emotionally rough patch in life surrounding divorce issues, I'm still dealing with some unresolved matters, and I need to take a little more time to get my act together.  I hope to be back, fully participating in my forward progress, very soon.

Divorce is hard.  It's a demoralizing process.  If anyone says that getting a divorce is a cop out from marriage, perhaps it is for some, at the moment, but it certainly isn't an easy thing to get through.

Still, I will survive, and so will my sons.  Can't say we'll be better for it.  Would love to say we'll be stronger for it.  Doing the best we can for now.

I am struggling with overeating these days, an old behavior I've relied on to numb intense emotions.  I don't like doing it!  I gained a little weight over the holidays and am now working at getting rid of that.  Have already dropped a couple pounds.  This week I'm going vegan, temporarily, so I can gain some control over fat and protein consumption.  I want to feel lighter, from the inside out.

Did you catch the PBS series on emotions?  Good stuff!  I highly recommend it!

The holidays really can suck!

I'm taking a personal day.  I'm not sick, but I am feeling rather overwhelmed today.

I've felt like this for days.  I couldn't figure out why, because traditionally the holiday season hasn't carried any importance to me and my family.  But this year, with the impending divorce and a complete restructuring of our lives, we seem to have nothing on which to hang a feeling of cohesiveness.

My boys are going to spend Christmas with their father on the other side of the world, and I'm going to spend some time with my girlfriend in Southern California.  (We'll go to a spa, go to the gym, buy munchies at Whole Foods and watch a lot of mindless TV.)  My mother is whining because she assumed I would spend the ten days I'm away from the boys with her, but there isn't enough vodka on the planet for me to even consider doing that!  I keep trying to figure out why I'm in such a funk for a season that doesn't mean much to me.  I think it's because I want to recharge our sense of family but I don't really know how.

So today I gave up, for the day, on caring for myself, cleaning house, filing papers and paying bills.  I am just sitting around the house, watching HGTV and really lame Lifetime and Hallmark Christmas dramas, eating sourdough toast.  And as I sit on my favorite wicker chair, I look around my house and wish it was clean and wish I knew how much decorating for the holidays I should do.  I'm conflicted.  If we're not going to be here, then why bother.  And yet, I want to change up what's going on around the house, get a different feel for the house, warm it up, so that the boys will know they have a real home to come back to, and that this is where we experience family.

I'm having the carpets and windows cleaned this week, and Merry Maids will be coming in to get everything else cleaned before the end of the year.  The boys come back on the 30th, so they will come back to a clean home, everything organized, and some winter decor in place. (I don't do the Santa thing...we decorate with snowmen!)  We'll have a small New Year's Eve dinner, just the three of us.  Then on New Year's Day, I'm hosting an open house for family and friends, with lots of food and drink, conversation, music, games and a massive Halo 3 event with wall-to-wall boys of all ages.  I'm inviting everyone who has been instrumental in helping us feel at home since returning to California.  We've very grateful to them all!

Maybe this New Year's Day celebration will become our annual family thing.  Maybe that sense of family cohesiveness will gain some traction that day and we'll be starting the new year in the right direction.  I hope we can find our new family identity, one we can all share and believe in.  We used to be world travelers, but that was really only an activity and didn't mean anything with regards to developing character and a strong sense of family and purpose, which is the direction in which I really want us to move.  I'm not sure how to do that, yet.

I'm still surprised how writing all this down makes me feel better.  I actually want to get a shower now!

Almost recovered

I have been sick for over a week now.  Caught it from my son.  Despite the greens, vitamins and extra water, I wasn't able to avoid catching a bad sinus infection.  But perhaps it was helpful in my recovery as well as preventing the infection from turning into bronchitis, which is what usually happens.

Yesterday I had yet another headache from the stuffy sinuses, and I went through a lot of Kleenex.  Today was a little better.  I didn't really feel like eating anything, and the idea of lifting a weight or taking one step on to my elliptical cross trainer was the furthest thing from my mind.  I have heard of people who were upset at being too sick to exercise.  Now that's crazy!

However, I do understand that regular exercise helps prevent the flu. According to WebMD, when "...moderate exercise is repeated on a near daily basis, there is a cumulative immune-enhancing effect, which leads to a sustained response by the immune system to illness. When you exercise, your white blood cells - the blood cells that fight infections in the body - travel through your body more quickly, fighting bacteria and viruses (such as flu) more efficiently. To maintain good health, experts recommend at least 30 minutes of aerobic activity..."

Alternately, "...extremely vigorous forms of exercise, including working out for hours at the gym and running marathons, can have a negative effect on your immune system. Studies show that extreme workouts can decrease the number of white blood cells flowing throughout your body while increasing the level of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, in the bloodstream. These emergency hormones help you cope with the physical stress but can also increase your likelihood of illness."

But what should we do when we're sick?  Take it easy.  Being sick is stressful on the body, so some downtime will allow the body to rest and let the immune system do its job without the energy drain from exercise.  Definitely avoid exercise when a fever is present.  It would only increase the chances of dehydration and delay recovery.  Wait a few days after flu symptoms have gone before contemplating physical exertion.

Instead of laying around in bed, I did have enough energy to clean the living room and dining room.  I didn't overdo it, I promise.  And my sweet older son actually did the dishes without my having to ask him, and I was able to finish washing up the counters and stove.  The boys made their own dinner.  Thank God for Trader Joe's burritos!

I miss having a housekeeper.  When I lived overseas I had a very good household staff, and when I got sick, I was well cared for.  When I could concentrate on just getting well, I'd usually recover in a few days.  But when I'm running kids to after-school activities, running errands for my parents, doing the laundry, writing a paper for my Myth and Literature class and looking for a job in this economy, its taking much longer to recover!

One more day of "taking it easy at home" and I'm going to get really edgy and cranky.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll blow everybody off and nap.

Staving off flu season

My wee one is home sick today.  He's got a low-grade fever.  I'm feeling rather icky myself.  My lymph glands feel swollen and I've had a raging headache for a few days.  Not enough sleep, too much post-holiday pecan pie. (It was better the second day, and even better the third and fourth days!)  I just got back from the salon, where I was turned away due to a sickly stylist.  Everyone's feeling yucky now.  I decided to head for Safeway and see what ingredients I could gather for my next round of healthy, flu-fighting meals.

Quercetin seems to be something that builds the immune system, so I got some foods high in that nutrient: apples, onions, citrus, broccoli, leafy greens, cranberries and organic tomatoes.  Other foods that aid the immune system include homemade chicken soup, green tea (catechins), sardines and wild-caught salmon (Vit D), yogurt (with live active cultures or probiotics) and spicy peppers (high in Vit C).

My shopping list included the following: kale, Swiss chard, apples, oranges, grapefruit juice (unsweetened), oil-packed sardines, organic chicken broth and green tea.  I'm going to make some kale for lunch, after I take a mid-morning nap.  I'm feeling rather achy right now and I think a good power nap is in order.